I just got a Galaxy S6 & I am YUGELY troubled! It has this fingerprint loginny dealy-whopper. As I was jogging today, I STUMBLED and put out my hand to break my fall and it got me to THINKING. CEREALLY! I mean I could have, just as easily when I stumbled, cut my finger on a sharp ROCK. A really, really, really sharp rock. Or my own RAZOR wit. (Not to be confused with the Motorola phone of the same NAME.) Or a broken BEER bottle! See, I was jogging in a wildlife sanctuary, where people go to see wildlife in their NATURAL unspoiled setting. So NATURALLY it is littered with them. The beer bottles, that is, although come to think of it, there's an AWFUL lot of wildlife too. In FACT, I can barely hear my Pandora over the honking geese and whatnot. Why don’t they go somewhere else, back south where they came from? The POINT is, I could have easily cut my finger Dirty Harry CLEAN OFF and there I would be, BLOOD spurting EVRYWHERE, ruining my $200 Doritos. I mean Adidas. (They would have to be awfully good Doritos to cost 2 hunnert dollies huh?) Not to mention my BRAND new Rhino phone case! WORSE, since I was jogging by the beach, my severed finger would QUITE LIKELY have gone sailing off into the air and landed RIGHT in HUMBOLDT BAY!!! Then as I DESPERATELY swim against the tide in a DESPERATE attempt to retrieve my forlorn amputated member, a seagull swoops down and snatches it up, the greedy bastard. I HOPE HE CHOKES ON IT!!!! Or she, not to be sexist. So THERE I am bleeding to death, in danger of drowning in HUMBOLDT BAY!!!!! And WORSE, all that blood in the water is sure to attract the SHARKS, who will be infesting HUMBOLDT BAY any day now due to Global Warming (even though it doesn't exist, I've heard the sharks foolishly believe the government’s lies on this matter. Though they have big teeth, their brains are kinda small. Both the sharks and the government). NOT TO MENTION, the MUTANT MONSTER GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CRABS, created by the radioactive waste from the old nuclear power plant, that INFEST Southern HUMBOLDT BAY, as anybody who lives in King Salmon or Fields Landing and has ever been drunk and/or stoned out by the water at midnight knows, despite THE Conspiracy of Silence On THE Matter by PG&E, THE government and THE liberal media. Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crabgate! So THERE I am drowning, bleeding to death, SHARKS chomping merrily merrily row your boat away on my flailing limbs while Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crabs PECK OUT MY EYES, and I cannot call 911 for help BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE MY FINGER TO LOG INTO MY PHONE!!!!!!! Some goddammned seagull has it.

Now I know what you're going to say. "What about the backup password, Ventum?" And I say to you, “WHO THE FUCK CAN EVER REMEMBER THEIR BACKUP PASSWORD?????????????????”  ESPECIALLY when you are drowning, bleeding to death, with SHARKS chomping merrily merrily row your boat away on your flailing limbs while Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crabs PECK OUT YOUR EYES? Not to mention being pissed off about your ruined Adidas and Rhino case? I mean, let's be realistic here, ok? SO I DIE! Unnecessarily. A HORRIBLE death worse than all those slutty teenagers in all those slasher movies combined. Because of Girls - Ooops - I mean Technology - Gone WILD!!

Meanwhile we have the Prez once again blathering on, yadda, yadda, yadda about that tired old liberal red herring of "Gun Control.” Worse, he now wants to extend this SAME dangerous "Fingerprint Technology" to guns!!!!!  What if a terrorist (i.e. someone who is Islamic and not a white supreamafundamentalist) disguised as Bernie Saunders was trying to sneak into the country in a mini-sub that is camouflaged as a shark, or even a Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crab? There waiting on  Clam Beach is America’s (i.e. the MULTIVERSE’S) Toughest Sherriff, Revoltin’ , I mean Joltin’ JOE ARPAIO, who has driven ALL the way up from Arizona in a Humvee on a  tip that the terrorist is in actuality a Mutant Monster GLOW-IN-THE DARK Hybrid Terrorist – 1/2 Illegal Mexican Immigrant, 1/2 Islamic Jihadist, and 1/2 BIGFOOT!!!!  But the Mutant Monster Glow-In-The Dark Hybrid Terrorist, knowing that Obama has treasonously sabotaged our penises – I mean guns, with a fingerprint Achilles heel, releases his SPECIALLY designed miniature drone SPECIALLY equipped with remote controlled scissors that cut off Sheriff Joe’s FINGER! Then, his SPECIALLY trained Terrorist Seagull (Aka Jihadi Gull) swoops down and flies away with the finger and Sheriff Joe CAN’T FIRE HIS GUN and the Mutant Monster Glow-In-The Dark Hybrid Terrorist easily kills Sheriff Joe and feeds his body to the global-warming believing sharks & Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crabs. Who by the way, all get sick and die from Botularpaio, a particularly nasty, inevitably fatal form of food poisoning caused by eating Joe Arpaio. SO that’s one good thing. BUT, without its Guardian Anglo, Phoenix is overrun with illegal Mexican restaurants!!!! Taco Bell has to file for bankruptcy! Plus the Mutant Monster GLOW-IN-THE DARK Hybrid Terrorist, based on his resemblance to Bernie Saunders, is given a job as an Assistant Manager at a McDonalds owned by an America-hating Liberal. The ONLY job opening in the ENTIRE country!! A job that could have gone to a REAL ‘Mericun! Just like the wars in the Middle East, evolution, and the financial collapse, it’s ALL Obama’s fault.

Somebody needs to clue him in. Guns DON'T Kill People!!! ANDROID PHONES WITH ISLAMIC ILLEGAL MEXICAN IMMIGRANT BIGFOOT SOCIALIST FINGERPRINT TECHNOLOGY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (With a little help from Mutant Monster Glow-in-the-Dark Crabs & sharks that fallaciously believe in global warming)